Long time no write. Well, as the rule goes, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all…
As I always do I started out this year with lofty goals and high expectations and have achieved NONE of said goals. It’s my own fault, I tend to make these goals to distract myself from other things in my life that are bringing me down. For years I’ve put up with unhappiness in my current job but just resigned myself to its clutches, feeling like an indentured servant. Besides, who else would want to hire me? In the past few months a switch went off in my brain and I finally realized, hey! I really DO NOT have to put up with this! I have something to offer! I am smart, I have a degree, I work hard, who wouldn’t want me? Well, as it turns out, tons of people don’t want me and it is difficult not to take the constant rejection personally. However, like I do in mile 22 of a marathon when I’m shuffling along in immense pain and on the verge of tears, I keep going.
As the job search started overtaking my free time, my training for the Detroit Marathon fell by the wayside. The constant job searching, online applications, personality tests, phone interviews, and in person interviews can be mentally exhausting. However, there is another factor affecting my training. My body has been making it abundantly clear in the past month, with every exhausted and light-headed step, that something isn’t right internally. I know I’m chronically anemic, but it’s at the point where I don’t think kale smoothies and a daily multi-vitamin are even making a difference. I see the doctor next week to rule out anything more drastic. One of my lofty goals this year was to break four hours at the Freep; however, yet again, I may be lucky just to break five. Even my short runs are at a 10:30ish average pace, and that scares me. I haven’t been this slow since training for my first marathon three years ago.
Fun stuff, huh?! All is not lost though. I feel good knowing that at least I’m finally addressing issues instead of burying my head in the sand. My job search may not be as successful as I thought it would be, but I’m still trying. Inexplicably having no energy or speed is frustrating as hell, but I keep running. At this point I don’t even care about being fast anymore, I just want to get back to the point where running eased my anxiety instead of being a major source of it. I just want to Run Happy as the folks at Brooks would say. I have dark moments where I feel stuck, and I get frustrated, and I cry. But anything worth having is worth fighting for, so I’ll keep fighting through the pain, both physical and emotional, until I find a job where I’m valued and gain back that running strength I lost a long time ago.