February Musings and Self-Abusings

If my Timehop for today is any indication, February is traditionally not a good month for me. In the past there have been job troubles, cat surgeries, oh and that whole divorce thing last year. To compound life’s troubles is yet another harsh winter. True, this year isn’t as bad as last year’s unrelenting Polar Vortex; however, saying this winter isn’t as bad is like saying “This sinus infection is much better than that stomach flu I had last year!”

The sub-freezing temperatures don’t seem to be going away any time soon. Neither do my five-hour marathons. New Orleans, despite a flat course and perfect weather, proved to be another difficult run. I have several excuses to offer but my overall feeling as of late is that I lost any running talent I once had for good. Maybe it was a fluke that I got fast for a few months and I’m back to my normal, back-of-the-pack pace. My body seems to be betraying me as well. I made the horrible mistake of participating in the Cupid’s Undie Run again this year. Last year I was at my peak of fitness and proudly showed off my figure. This year I felt like a burqa would’ve been a better clothing choice, and it didn’t help that during the run my butt was jiggling so hard I thought it might dislodge and hit the person behind me in the face (my boobs didn’t move a centimeter of course).

Yes, it’s no secret I have a history with body dysmorphia and eating disorders and am probably not the morbidly obese sloth on the outside that I feel I am on the inside. Maybe better weather and nutrition will help my pace improve and I’m just in a temporary funk. I’ve been trying to look towards the positive lately but depression seems to be winning out. Continuing to abuse myself with these thoughts won’t solve anything though, so I need a better plan, not just for running but for life. I have the tendency to make huge, unattainable goals for myself and then get discouraged when I inevitably fail, so here’s my “Meh, I’m Trying” Plan for a Happier Laura: One strength-training session a week. Bring your own healthy lunch to work. Continue to swim, even if it means getting your ass out of a warm and cozy bed, because it makes you feel strong all day. Just run for the sheer enjoyment and hopefully speed will follow. And for christ’s sake, stop comparing yourself to other girls!!!

On Sunday I went for a run around the neighborhood on a beautiful, sunny, 2 degree day. It felt fantastic to run on a day when most people were afraid to walk to their cars. I was slow, and the snow made things difficult, but it was one of my best runs in a long time. I had not a single self-defeating thought in any of those 50-minutes. There is a happy Laura inside of me, I just need to force her out sometimes.


Tagged , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: